In case you didn't know, the Women's World Cup is next summer and the United States will once again be one of the favorites -- even though they haven't actually won since 1999. The tournament is also in Canada, which we all know is basically the 51st state, so they should be super accommodating. (via. SBNation)
Whoa. Pump the fucking breaks, America. I said it before, and I'll say it again, we can't be this into soccer already! First we're punching referees to death, and now we're 'getting pumped' for the women's World Cup a full year beforehand? No way. Listen I enjoyed that little run as much as the next American, and I've admitted on multiple occasions that I have reconsidered the way I feel about the sport as a whole. But we're still the new guy here. We just started dating this sport, and if we keep texting her she's gonna think were way too clingy! She's foreign game to us, and there's no way she fucks on the first date so we, as a nation, need to settle down.
I mean, it wasn't even a month ago we were all still making fun of the fact that the most insignificant touch could send a small European man flying through the air, before artfully rolling around on the ground until another small European man took out a yellow piece of paper and everyone goes nuts. Now we're getting boners over posters for soccer tournaments that aren't taking place for a full year. I haven't even started seriously thinking about college football yet, and that starts in like 7 weeks (49 days, exactly #rmft).
PS: I don't have a problem with America getting pumped for the Women's World Cup by the way. It's something I'm prepared to follow extremely closely. Maybe even closer than the men because we're actually favorites in this one. All i'm saying is it's a year away. One year from now I will absolutely be ready to watch Alex Morgan run around for 90 minutes in tiny shorts representing the United States of America. That's gonna be awesome. I'm just used to living in a country that consistently makes fun of soccer, women's sports, and Canada. I'm not saying I can't adjust. I'm just saying I need some more time.
A statement from FIFA read: "The FIFA Appeal Committee has decided to reject the appeals lodged by both the Uruguayan player Luis Suárez and the Uruguayan FA, and to confirm the decision rendered by the FIFA Disciplinary Committee on 25 June 2014 in its entirety. (via ESPN)
Wow. Real tough call for FIFA on this one. Sucks for Suarez that social norms haven't drastically changed in the past few days though, that might have saved him. I don't even know how you are allowed to appeal this shit. Like, there's pretty conclusive video evidence. But I guess you can't knock the hustle. Gotta try right?
With that said I wanna clear some stuff up. I'm against the biting for sure. But only because it's against the rules. It's an 'integrity of the game' kinda thing. If it were up to me, all that would be legal. There's 100 ways soccer could be improved and 99 of them include legalizing more physical violence. Imagine if soccer was just rugby with your feet? Like don't change the rules of soccer at all, except for allowing people to full on drop shoulder into each other. The day that rule change is made is the day the United States of America becomes a legitimate contender for the World Cup.
PS: I'm completely aware that would never happen in soccer, but I think I just thought of the most entertaining sport on the planet. Put it on ice and i'm pretty sure that's a billion dollar idea.
(Reuters) - A soccer player accused of punching a referee and fatally injuring him during a weekend game in a Detroit suburb has been charged with second-degree murder, prosecutors said on Wednesday. Bassel Abdul-Amir Saad, 36, had been charged with assaulting referee John Bieniewicz, 44, during a game in Livonia, Michigan, but the charges were upgraded following his death, Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy said in a statement.
Whoa, America calm down. Just cause we decided to get really into one World Cup doesn't mean we should already be at the "punching referees in the face" stage of soccer fandom. We're rushing into this. Let's just slow down. If we really wanna get into this sport as a country maybe we can start going to those bullshit MLS games or something like that. Maybe play a little more FIFA? Definitely shouldn't be assaulting refs yet. Baby steps.
Kinda worried that this sport might not be right for America though. Soccer refs are super easy to get mad at and most calls are pretty grey. Maybe rolling around on the ground for 10 minutes is good enough for these Europeans, but not the USofA. Gonna need some kind of retribution for a bad call. Be it insulting a refs mother, or actually physically harming him. Either way it ends badly. Let's be better than this, America. We can do it.
I'm not in Brazil right now, but I can't imagine anyone there looks anything other than like this. Everyone's worried about rioting or civil unrest after the loss. How could you even have the energy for civil unrest after that dismantling? No way I would. Probably just go home and have good cry or ponder my existence or something. No way i'd leave my house for like a week. And the worst part is, they didn't have their best player or their captain. They had every excuse to just go quietly out of the tournament and everyone just would have said "oh well you know they were missing some important players." All they had to do was not lose by 6 goals. Well so much for that. Millions of Brazilians sat and watched Germany drop a touchdown on them in their own country. Brutal. I guess in the end, Brazil just ended their World Cup run the same way they started it. Fucking terrible.
Way too soon to be flashing back to the Cup Final already, but that's the only thing I could think of, watching yet another team I root for falling short in front of a goaltending performance for the ages. Just another wasted effort from a dude who literally could not have done anything more to keep his team in a game they should never have been in for long enough for them to get lucky one time. It's a damn shame.
Seriously though, less than 2 minutes into the game Timmy's on his ass stopping break away. From that point on you kinda had an idea of how this game was gonna go. Kinda the way the Rangers knew from the start of the series that they would have their work cut out for them with the Kings, but somehow they stayed in long enough to make it interesting.
I guess what i'm saying is that the United States is out of the World Cup, and i'm probably gonna go back to watching soccer only very infrequently and not for any reason other than that nothing else is on TV at the time. But soccer fan or not, you're not really a person if you're not sick for Tim Howard. Just the fact alone that he could stay out there and not just walk off the field as he watched his boys run around kicking at air is a testament to the human spirit or whatever. You can bet your house that if that's me out there, i'm gone after Wonderlowski whatever the fuck his name is misses that wide open net. Wouldn't even come out for extra time. I'd give Jergs my goalie gloves and go get fucked up in Rio. But Howard came out and was fucking awesome except for 2 goals that he really had no chance on anyway. If the US win that game, Tim Howard would have gotten the Oshie treatment, and he would have deserved every second of it.
PS: I love how people are getting upset now that our best athletes aren't playing soccer. Like how if LeBron James had just gotten into soccer as a kid, all of our World Cup woes would end. Fuck off. I don't know about you, but i'm not putting my kid on a soccer team. No way. We're just gonna keep putting our kids in tee ball.
PSS: How is tee ball even a sport? How is that the bridge to baseball for young kids? That's like a version of hockey with no goalie and you start with the puck on the goal line of an empty net and you have to try to score on that net. How lazy is that shit??
I'm about to write a long-winded blog defending the great sport of soccer, which is something I told myself would never happen. But this fucking nut bag is so stupid that I literally have to break my moral code so I don't lose my mind. By now people have probably already read this filth she wrote about how watching the world cup is part of the "moral decay of America", so i'm just gonna go through this step by step. All quotes are from the aforementioned filth. (I should mention before I go into this that I would consider myself a conservative. Ann Coulter is just an actual moron and I would like to separate myself from her in that regard...)
(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls -- all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they're standing alone at the plate. But there's also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.
Soccer is a team sport just like the others you mentioned. So you're stupid. No one knows what you're talking about because you're just making shit up... People fuck up in soccer all the time (see Michael Bradley). And if you want "individual achievement", how about the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are two of the top five highest paid athlete's in 2014 at #2 and #4 respectively. (via Forbes)
In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability...
Hero
Loser
Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in.
Yes. They do have "MVPs" in soccer...
That's some pretty sweet hardware for a sport with no MVPs or individual achievement. By the way... "accidentally"??
"accidentally"
(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.
I'm not even gonna touch that one. Like that statement is so stupid that I, as an intelligent functioning member of society, have no idea how to properly respond. As for the "athletic talent" being expressed, see above. Let's get Coulter out there see if she can play with the boys. Somehow I doubt it. And that's not to say that I don't think women can play. I'm pretty confident the US Women's team could run circles around my ass for days without breaking a sweat. And i'd love to watch em do it (lookin at you, Alex Morgan). Also, how many serious kindergarten sports are there?
(3) No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: "2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0." Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: "1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0." If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored.
Wow. Gonna ignore the Michael Jackson joke because that's off topic but we'll leave it at "too soon". As for the "point", there are no periods in soccer. So right there you're stupid. As for the low scoring nature of the sport, I fucking love it! No one is ever out of a game. I've had games between two countries that I probably couldn't find on a map keep me on the edge of my seat for 90 minutes and end in a 1-0 or 1-1 or 2-1 score and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties -- and it's a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.
HAHAHAHAHA. What? First of all, no. It is not harder to score in football. That's just not correct. And second, there are 11 players a side on the field in football. That's almost a whole dozen. Be stupider. You can't.
(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport.
sport
spôrt/
noun
1.
an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.
"team sports such as baseball andsoccer"
Thank you, Google. By the way, when was the last time you saw a "major injury" in baseball. Obviously there's a risk whenever you take the field in any sport. But there's risk involved in everything.
Major Injury
Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game -- and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.
What parent doesn't put their kids into youth sports to instill the "constant threat of personal disgrace" in them at a young age? Right? And this moron would bring up hockey and talk about fights. Like congratulations on never watching a hockey game in your life. 3-4 fights a game? The 2013-14 NHL season featured 508 fights in 1231 games. That's a whopping 0.4 fights per game... (via Drop Your Gloves). But that's not the point. Football players getting carried off the field in ambulances after games? "The wounded"? Be more dramatic, geez.
(5) You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!
I'm going out on a limb and saying that not being able to use your hands is harder than being able to use a glove to catch a fly ball. That's pretty much fact. If "losing it in the sun" is an acceptable excuse for not catching a fly ball, then certainly "human defender sliding studs up at my legs" is a fair enough reason to misplay a soccer ball. One definitely requires more skill right? There's no argument here? Decide for yourself...
(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer ... The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating.I note that we don't have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.
I resent you, Ann Coulter. How bout that? And you know what? Do you know why most people watch football? Not because it's exciting. Because it's an excuse to sit around and drink beer and eat like shit all day on Sunday. 90% of games aren't that exciting anyway. But give American's an excuse to sit around and drink in the afternoon, and I guarantee you you won't have to tell them twice.
See?
(7) It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.
Because if there's anyone with their finger on the pulse of the African-American community, it's Ann Coulter right?
(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.
It's true. That's why the liberals love Les Mis so much right? Guillotines and Kilometers, that's what the democratic party does!
Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?
Starting to not be able to tell if this is real or like an onion article or something. Every time I read a sentence I consider deleting the whole blog in case i'm ripping apart some satire piece. Obviously the metric system is more rational, it's based on multiples of 10 which is super easy. Do I think we need to change from what we use now? No. Fuck no. I'm adjusted already so leave me alone. Also "the size of a man's foot" and "the length of his belt"? Really? Which man is it? Who is the measurement guy who has 1 inch thumbs, 12 inch feet, and 3 foot belts. Find me that race and you win the argument. Wait what the fuck does this have to do with soccer? Oh right... the liberals... grrr.
(9) Soccer is not "catching on."
Yes it is, Ann.
The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women's World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women's games are as thrilling as the men's.)
I'm not a huge fan of feminists most of the time. I think they're kind of annoying and they're always in your face with their opinions and their facial hair. But you know what? This might be worse. Is there anyone in the world that hates women more than Ann Coulter? There can't be? Ann Coulter might be the most detrimental thing to women's sports ever. Starting to think our girl Ann here got cut from the high school soccer team.
Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year's Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.
Do you know how many people just watch the Super Bowl because of the commercials and the half time show? So many fucking people. I guarantee you that the majority of those 111.5 million couldn't tell you the score of the game. But they could absolutely tell you which Geico gem made them piss their pants, or what color Bruno Mars' ridiculous fedora was. Take that shit to the bank.
If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.
Hey Ann, how's life in the 1950's?
Well that's pretty much the whole thing. Not sure what else there is to say. I've never been a huge soccer fan. I'll watch it if it's on, sure. And when the World Cup rolls around, i'm on the wagon. USA! But you know what? I'm liking it more and more...
I know what I said before about getting to the next round any way possible. I meant it at the time for real, but the bottom line is that that was the softest fucking thing I've ever seen. How stupid do you think USA fans look celebrating that loss? Obviously this is huge for USA Soccer cause they've never advanced to the knockout round two years in a row. So that's pretty sweet and i'm proud of that. But we as a nation cannot be on twitter shitting on Germany who basically just soccered circles around us for 90+ minutes. That's not a good look, America.
Backing in is never a good feeling. The only way to make this worth celebrating will be if they can manage a win vs Belgium in the next round. That would make it all worth it. If not, then the USA just basically stole a spot in the round of 16 from a team who actually deserved it. I don't know a whole lot about Belgium, but if they're soccer is as good as their waffles, the boys might have their work cut out for them.
PS: I'm all for having pride and stuff but I feel like if the United States aren't gonna buy into this whole diving thing they might not make it too much further. Look at Germany. True professionals. Scweinsteiger spent more time on the ground than he did on his feet today and look at the result. Big W for his team. I think it's time we stop showing how tough we are by playing with broken noses and concussions and hamstring injuries, and start proving how good we are at soccer by falling down a lot.
Fuck all this "let's just tie the Germans and move on to the next round" bullshit. Anyone who says that shit isn't really American. We don't tie in stuff. Remember how bad that tie felt last time? You woulda thought we lost. Everybody knows ties are like kissing your sister. And the only thing worse than kissing your sister, is if you have to kiss your sister and she's German. The only option is a win. Nobody wants to back into the next round with a loss, or have some conspiracy tie where everyone's in on it. That's pussy shit. I want a win, and I don't think I'm the only one. Right? Good.
PS: Disregard everything i just said. Just get to the next round whatever it takes. I think they just have to not lose by like 5. That's fine. Shoot for that. Sure maybe that's setting the bar low, but this is the only competitive sport I have since hockey is over. I cant stay awake during baseball. It's crazy. Why does this time of the year even exist? Call up the Germans. Let's make a deal. Sit on the ground for 90 minutes and have a picnic for all I care. 0-0 and we'll see you in the knockout round. USA! USA!
This is soccer at its best right here. The ultimate flop from Suarez. He actually bit this dude so hard he left a mark on his shoulder.
Then he rolls around on the ground for an hour like we're supposed to believe this dude shouldered him in the teeth or something?
Not sure what makes the "beautiful game" look worse here, the fact that a dude can be notorious for biting people in matches (ask Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic) and still be allowed to play, or that he can get away with it in the fucking World Cup. I'm trying so hard to get into this sport, but every time I find something I really like, I find another thing I hate even more. Like people biting other people. That shit is just the worst. But I guess that's soccer for you. Our boy is free to bite another day. If his teeth heal up in time for the knockout round, that is.
Modric on why his team is going to win (via NYT):"I think that we are a better team, and better individuals, than Mexico and that we will show that tomorrow. I think it is a good thing that we have to play to win." via BI Sports
Whoa shots fired! Croatia coming in hot as hell and Mexico ain't ready. This is a bold move considering Croatia probably has a fraction of 1 percent chance of wining this game. I guess you gotta ride the wave before you go out and actually get eviscerated by a team that has not given up a goal yet in two games. (Granted they have only scored one but that means they're due.) Either way you gotta respect the hustle for Croatia here. Win-win for them. No ones expecting these guys to come out and win so who cares if they talk shit? If they lose so what? But imagine if they win! I'm not a fan of the Croatians after they bitched and moaned about the loss to Brazil, but if they pull this one off they'd shut me right up. PS: How about this guy Modric calling out Mexico for being bad people. He is actually saying that Mexicans are sub-par human beings. Head games for days. So crazy it just might work.
Holy shit stop the fight! How about our boy Mac just embarrassing every single player in this tournament with this ridiculous lettuce. Should we just stop doing this now? There's no chance we find a mane more majestic than this. Imagine if your Christiano Ronaldo running around with your $500 salon haircut with lightning bolts and spinning rims and all that shit, and you turn on the TV to catch the highlights and just get absolutely emasculated by Stevie over here. Just brutal.
PS: To be fair, he does sit next to Mike Tirico all day. That might tip the scales a bit in his favor...
Wow look at this guy. What an absolute train wreck on this dude's head. Don't even know where to start there's so much going on up there. Half a fauxhawk with a gold streak and lines shaved into the side of his head and the other half is a buzz cut. Just trying wayyyyy to hard here to keep up with some of the other big league hairdo's in this tournament. I guess that's to be expected from a bench player for France though right? I don't know. What I do know, is that he and his team are putting a beat down on Switzerland right now. No mercy. Literally made it 5-0 as I'm typing.
PS: France could probably have taken a little off the collar on those shirts don't ya think? Cant tell if they're playing soccer, or eating a Maine lobster...
Not a whole lot to say here. Pretty obvious why I went with our boy Vidal today. I was fortunate enough to catch a lot of the Spain v. Chile game today and this guy stole the show for sure. This is your typical soccer tough guy / gang member crop. Now apparently this dude is a pretty solid player so maybe that means he can rock it without taking a lot of shit from other players, but from the outside he just looks like an asshole. Not even gonna go into the pencil goatee and the eyebrow cuts. Just icing on the douche bag cake.
PS: Are all the American Spain bandwagonners the World Cup equivalent of Heat fans? I think so. Rough week for those people.
This is Italian defender Gabriel Paletta. Dude is only 28 years old but apparently no one told his hair. This is a bad look if you're 50+, but being just shy of 30 I gotta believe you cut your losses and shave your head. No one wants to be bald. Especially not at a young age. I get that. But at a certain point you just have to look in the mirror and realize that the the comb over just doesn't cut it anymore. Let it go, Gabriel. Either shave that abomination, or see if you can borrow a little from your boy Andrea Pirlo...
...cause this dude is drowning in it. Just throwing that insane flow right in Paletta's face for 90 minutes every match. Can't be easy for Gabe to hang around this dude and his ridiculous mane all the time while he walks around looking like someone who isn't allowed within 100 yards of a school. But I guess that's life.
Let's just hope this dude can find a decent barber in Rio cause that crop is hard to look at.
Seriously. Impossible to root against the Aussies. Look at these guys!
Honestly, is there a group of people who buy into their own stereotypes more than these Australian soccer fans? Nope. I mean we have groups of Native Americans protesting the Washington Redskins right now (for totally valid reasons), and this guy shows up in full Kangaroo costume to cheer on his boys in the World Cup. Kudos dude. Love this move. Did you know they call themselves "Socceroos"? Absolutely love it.
PS: These Mexican fans are definitely a close second.
Brazil won it's first match in the World Cup last night, beating Croatia 3-1. First of all I don't know a whole lot about Croatia. The soccer team or the country. It's just kinda off my radar. But I have to believe they were never supposed to come close in that game right? I mean Brazil is the only country (and Spain now I guess) that I know is good at soccer for sure and are expected to do well in the World Cup. Plus it's their opening game and they're hosting the damn thing so this had to be like a warm up right? Like the first week of college football when Alabama gets to drop 200 on some community college in Nevada. Just to let everyone know what's what.
Whether this was the case in this game or not, everyone's been whining about this penalty shot goal that gave Brazil the lead and how it was a dive and should never have happened and how it's fixed now. So was it a dive?
Fuckin right it was. This guy is a dick. Plain and simple. The fact that you even have the balls try this when you're big bad Brazil playing against Croatia in the first game of the Wold Cup is about as low as it gets.
But people are going nuts over this shit. Talking about how the game was fixed, and the guy took a dive, and how the Croatia team deserved to win the game.
Yes they absolutely did deserve to lose! Sure the dive sucked and probably should not have been a penalty shot. But they lost 3-1! What horrible injustice led to the 3rd goal? None, so fuck you. How about the fact that Croatia didn't even score a goal in the game! The only reason they didn't get blanked is because of this guy.
So yea that was a dive. And yea it probably should not have been a penalty shot. But hey that's "the beautiful game" for ya. That's just the way it goes. Deal with it.
This is Marcelo. I don't know if this is his full name? That wasn't clear. What was clear, was the goal he just scored on his own net in the first game of the World Cup that his country is hosting. Gotta believe this is the exact opposite of how they wanted to start. I wasn't in the Brazil locker room pregame, and if I was I wouldn't have any clue what they were saying. But I can tell you 10000000% it was not "put one in our own net before 10 minutes."
But hey what do I know? I don't watch a whole lot of soccer. Good news is things can only get better for the host country, unless of course they fall into civil unrest like everyone predicts they will. That would bring the whole thing down.
But if things are really as bad as they say they are down there, I don't think we'll be hearing from our friend Marcelo for much longer. Especially if Brazil doesn't pull this one out.
Before we get started here, let's get a few things straight,
soccer (n.): sport where you kick a ball at a goal.
football (n.): sport played on 100 yd field with 2 end zones.
futbol (n.): does not exist in America.
So I don't wanna hear it.
Been taking a lot of shit lately from a few soccer friends for being pumped for the World Cup. Apparently, I'm not a member of the exclusive group of soccer super-fans who are allowed to get excited for an international sporting competition (mind you, one of the most popular in the world). Basically what I'm trying to say is that telling me I don't watch enough soccer to be into the World Cup is like telling me I'm not into curling enough to get jacked for the Winter Olympics. Are you kidding me? Never watched a second of regular season, club curling. Doesn't mean I wont don my USA curling jersey (jersey?) and go hard for my country.
With that said, I will watch the World Cup. I will root for my country until they are inevitably chased from competition in the earliest possible elimination round. And I will not watch the sport again until the World Cup next year. 2 years? 4? I don't know.. its soccer...
