I Hate Ann Coulter As Much As Ann Coulter Hates Soccer

I'm about to write a long-winded blog defending the great sport of soccer, which is something I told myself would never happen. But this fucking nut bag is so stupid that I literally have to break my moral code so I don't lose my mind. By now people have probably already read this filth she wrote about how watching the world cup is part of the "moral decay of America", so i'm just gonna go through this step by step. All quotes are from the aforementioned filth. (I should mention before I go into this that I would consider myself a conservative. Ann Coulter is just an actual moron and I would like to separate myself from her in that regard...)

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls -- all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they're standing alone at the plate. But there's also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks. 

 Soccer is a team sport just like the others you mentioned. So you're stupid. No one knows what you're talking about because you're just making shit up... People fuck up in soccer all the time (see Michael Bradley). And if you want "individual achievement", how about the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are two of the top five highest paid athlete's in 2014 at #2 and #4 respectively. (via Forbes)

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability...

Hero

Loser

 Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. 

Yes. They do have "MVPs" in soccer...

That's some pretty sweet hardware for a sport with no MVPs or individual achievement. By the way... "accidentally"??

"accidentally"

(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level. 

I'm not even gonna touch that one. Like that statement is so stupid that I, as an intelligent functioning member of society, have no idea how to properly respond. As for the "athletic talent" being expressed, see above. Let's get Coulter out there see if she can play with the boys. Somehow I doubt it. And that's not to say that I don't think women can play. I'm pretty confident the US Women's team could run circles around my ass for days without breaking a sweat. And i'd love to watch em do it (lookin at you, Alex Morgan). Also, how many serious kindergarten sports are there?

 (3) No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: "2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0." Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: "1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0." If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored. 

Wow. Gonna ignore the Michael Jackson joke because that's off topic but we'll leave it at "too soon". As for the "point", there are no periods in soccer. So right there you're stupid. As for the low scoring nature of the sport, I fucking love it! No one is ever out of a game. I've had games between two countries that I probably couldn't find on a map keep me on the edge of my seat for 90 minutes and end in a 1-0 or 1-1 or 2-1 score and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties -- and it's a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you. 

HAHAHAHAHA. What? First of all, no. It is not harder to score in football. That's just not correct. And second, there are 11 players a side on the field in football. That's almost a whole dozen. Be stupider. You can't.

(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. 

sport

spôrt/

noun

1. 1.

   an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.

   "team sports such as baseball and soccer"
2. 
   

 Thank you, Google. By the way, when was the last time you saw a "major injury" in baseball. Obviously there's a risk whenever you take the field in any sport. But there's risk involved in everything.

Major Injury

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game -- and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box. 

What parent doesn't put their kids into youth sports to instill the "constant threat of personal disgrace" in them at a young age? Right? And this moron would bring up hockey and talk about fights. Like congratulations on never watching a hockey game in your life. 3-4 fights a game? The 2013-14 NHL season featured 508 fights in 1231 games. That's a whopping 0.4 fights per game... (via Drop Your Gloves). But that's not the point. Football players getting carried off the field in ambulances after games? "The wounded"? Be more dramatic, geez.

(5) You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them! 

I'm going out on a limb and saying that not being able to use your hands is harder than being able to use a glove to catch a fly ball. That's pretty much fact. If "losing it in the sun" is an acceptable excuse for not catching a fly ball, then certainly "human defender sliding studs up at my legs" is a fair enough reason to misplay a soccer ball. One definitely requires more skill right? There's no argument here? Decide for yourself...

(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer ... The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating. I note that we don't have to be endlessly told how exciting football is. 

I resent you, Ann Coulter. How bout that? And you know what? Do you know why most people watch football? Not because it's exciting. Because it's an excuse to sit around and drink beer and eat like shit all day on Sunday. 90% of games aren't that exciting anyway. But give American's an excuse to sit around and drink in the afternoon, and I guarantee you you won't have to tell them twice.

See?

(7) It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it. 

Because if there's anyone with their finger on the pulse of the African-American community, it's Ann Coulter right?

(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.

It's true. That's why the liberals love Les Mis so much right? Guillotines and Kilometers, that's what the democratic party does!

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters? 

Starting to not be able to tell if this is real or like an onion article or something. Every time I read a sentence I consider deleting the whole blog in case i'm ripping apart some satire piece. Obviously the metric system is more rational, it's based on multiples of 10 which is super easy. Do I think we need to change from what we use now? No. Fuck no. I'm adjusted already so leave me alone. Also "the size of a man's foot" and "the length of his belt"? Really? Which man is it? Who is the measurement guy who has 1 inch thumbs, 12 inch feet, and 3 foot belts. Find me that race and you win the argument. Wait what the fuck does this have to do with soccer? Oh right... the liberals... grrr.

 (9) Soccer is not "catching on."

Yes it is, Ann.

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women's World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women's games are as thrilling as the men's.) 

I'm not a huge fan of feminists most of the time. I think they're kind of annoying and they're always in your face with their opinions and their facial hair. But you know what? This might be worse. Is there anyone in the world that hates women more than Ann Coulter? There can't be? Ann Coulter might be the most detrimental thing to women's sports ever. Starting to think our girl Ann here got cut from the high school soccer team.

Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year's Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers. 

Do you know how many people just watch the Super Bowl because of the commercials and the half time show? So many fucking people. I guarantee you that the majority of those 111.5 million couldn't tell you the score of the game. But they could absolutely tell you which Geico gem made them piss their pants, or what color Bruno Mars' ridiculous fedora was. Take that shit to the bank.

If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time. 

Hey Ann, how's life in the 1950's?

Well that's pretty much the whole thing. Not sure what else there is to say. I've never been a huge soccer fan. I'll watch it if it's on, sure. And when the World Cup rolls around, i'm on the wagon. USA! But you know what? I'm liking it more and more...